Awards And Stuff

So, yesterday was the annual BIPP Scottish awards down in Glasgow. I’ve done well the last couple of years, winning a few nice titles. This year was no different, coming home with another four awards. Two for commercial, one for wedding, and the overall winner of Commercial Photographer Of The Year.  I’ve had wedding photographer of the year, fashion, portrait, press, but my first Commercial one. Happy as it’s an area I really enjoy. So I was delighted to add this one.

Or was I? Well, you would think so, wouldn’t you? Well of course, I was delighted with the awards. No doubt about it. You know there’s a “but” coming, right?

Well, as this is Mental Health Awareness Week, I decided to be brave, and tackle the subject head on, as last night really made me consider a lot of things.

So, awards day. I wasn’t sure if I would go. Partly because it is a hell of a long way to go, especially as I had a three hour drive at 7am the next morning to go to Skye. Partly also because – anxiety. I hate these events as much as I love them. The emotional wrestling match between excitement of the event and the utter fear of being there. Walking in on your own, feeling like a complete plum, looking for someone you know.

I really struggle with these things. Always have. Alcohol has occasionally helped in the past, but no such luxury on this occasion. I always used to say I was shy. People laughed. I said no more about it. Subject closed. However, it is anxiety. Simple as that.

So, I eventually went in, and spent about twenty minutes looking at my phone, pretending to be doing something important (following the last ten minutes of the final day of the Scottish premiership as it happens), frantically looking for someone I knew. No luck. Eventually I managed to meet a few people and all was well.

On to the awards. I have experienced this before. On more than one occasion. Getting your name called out, going up, a few minutes of excitement, then this empty, deflated feeling creeps over me. I can’t explain it. I can only describe it as craving something, the buzz, the recognition, but when it comes along, you realise that’s not actually what you’re craving. Something much deeper is missing. The mind is a weird place to hang out.

I drove home, all three and a half hours, feeling low, flat, deflated, emotional, and have no idea why. I think it’s one of those situations, you know the ones, where people say “I feel depressed” and everyone says “cheer up” or “how can you be depressed you just won……etc”. This, right here is the thing. Unless you know, you don’t know. I felt downright sad.

You crave success. Thrive to be better. Improve. Work hard. Ultimately, my work is about making people happy. There is no substitute for the feeling when someone is overwhelmed and emotional about the images you hand over. Maybe they have low self esteem, and the photos have helped them believe in themselves. Maybe it’s just that you captured a special moment in time, which evokes emotions. Sure, being paid to do a job you love is a great thing, and something for which I am very grateful, but that feeling of genuinely making people happy is the best one.

The awards are nice. Obviously. I wouldn’t enter if I didn’t like the competition, and it’s always great to have other professionals judge your work and hand out awards for it. I think what I am trying to say, is that no amount of success can actually make a person happy. It is so much more complex a subject. Whether it is money, and I realised a long time ago that I couldn’t be in this industry to make my fortune. Or, whether it is this other kind of success, winning awards, getting qualifications, whatever. It’s all pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of that bloody rollercoaster ride we call life.

For me, photography is about making people happy. Emotions, both capturing other people’s emotions, and stimulating my own, through being creative, and knowing you have done something special for that person or family. That’s the only part that actually makes me happy. Like, glowing happy.

I don’t even know why I am writing all this stuff, but I think it helps to explain a lot. Anxiety, depression. Horrible things, and a daily battle. People all around you are fighting these battles, and everyone is utterly oblivious to that. If you saw me on a wedding morning, you’d be pretty surprised. 600+ weddings done and I am still carnage until I get there. I’m more anxious than the bride and groom, and it never gets easier. In fact, to be honest, it gets harder, because the more you do, the more awards you win, the more people you make happy – the higher the expectation levels are. I also put mysellf under constant and unneccessary pressure to make a brilliant job, every time I shoot. That could be a big fancy wedding, or a half hour PR shoot. I put everything into it, and get myself so anxious as a result. But, you know what? It comes a full circle, because that, in essence, is what makes me good at what I do (in my opinion anyway). The fact I am under pressure means no complacency. The emotions are constantly just under the surface, which I think comes across in my work.

So, to sum up, I think if I didn’t have all these deep emotional things going on, I wouldn’t be a photographer. It is basically a vicious circle in that respect. Would I change. No chance.

Anyway. Mental Health Awareness Week folks. Be kind, and be aware, people suffering all around you in silence.

If you got this far, have a pat on the back. Well done. Here’s my pictures from the awards if anyone wants a look.